At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a container.

In a New York restaurant:
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.

In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Centre

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases:
Restricted to unauthorised personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlour:
Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek):
'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race:
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest

Sign in King's Canyon in California:
'Slow Parking Ahead'

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago:
   [arrow pointing left]
   Please wait for hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store:
"Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot "

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says: Do not throw stones at this sign.

13 Jun 1999

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