Why do some of us who are normally easy-going and welcoming turn seemingly rigid and closed when it comes to gay marriage in the church? Why do we want our denomination to discipline pastors who teach that same-sex partnerships can be morally equivalent to marriage? Why do some of our congregations feel they cannot be in full covenant relationships with congregations who bless same-sex partnerships? We tolerate diversity, so why not on this issue?
Part of the answer is a conviction that the Bible's testimony against homosexual behavior applies to all forms of same sex relationships -- even committed partnerships (see Willard Swartley's bibliography on this). And we want our denomination to be a "people of the Book," ones who obey and uphold the authority of Scripture. The Word written as witness to the Word in Christ is to be taken with deepest seriousness.
But, again, why draw a line at this issue? Normally we leave room for persons with high regard for the Bible who interpret the Bible differently from us -- for instance, on the issue of women in ministry. So why not with congregations who believe the Bible leads them to "bless monogamous relationships of same-sex couples"?
Here is the answer I would give. When I look at the gay Christian community, there is something I see (and I'm not referring to their same-sex behavior) that helps to remove the uncertainty and tentativeness from my interpretation of passages like Romans 1:26-27. This perception increases my certainty that the Bible's condemnation of same-sex intercourse applies to today's same-sex partnerships. And it increases my sense that this community will one day be seen as having limited themselves to only probationary participation in our church. This perception has had a huge impact on me.
Surely the gay Christian community chooses to counter the sexual revolution in significant ways. But I still see major accomodation to the spirit of this age in the gay Christian community. I'm not talking about where practice falls short of ideals -- all Christians fall and need grace there -- but where ideals themselves are dropped in a dynamic that is clearly contrary to the Spirit of God.
Absence of monogamy
There are many indications that sexual exclusivity does not characterize even Christian gays in long-term committed relationships.
For instance, studies show a high incidence of non-monogamy among long-term male couples in general. In one national study, described in the journal Family Process (September 2011), researchers contacted all the same-sex couples who got a civil union during the first year Vermont offered a civil union to same-sex couples, the first state in the U.S. to do so. (This was a national sample -- only one-fifth were from Vermont.) The percentage of gay men who said that they as a couple are "open" (rather than sexually exclusive or monogamous) was 49.5%. The researchers asked the couples to give the name of a sibling in a heterosexual marriage so they could have comparative statistics for heterosexuals. They found that 6.0% of the heterosexual males said their marriage is "open" (and that 10.1% of the heterosexual males cheated on their wives).
The New York Times (Jan. 28, 2010) reported on a study that followed 556 male couples in the San Francisco Bay Area for three years. It found that "about 50 percent of those surveyed have sex outside their relationships, with the knowledge and approval of their partners. The article went on to say: "None of this is news in the gay community, but few will speak publicly about it."
Two gay men who are professionals in the areas of research and psychology maintain a site advocating for non-monogamy (www.thecouplesstudy.com). According to them, "Most research shows that approximately two-thirds of long-term male couples who have been together for five years or more are honestly non-monogamous."
Behavior stats for heterosexuals within our churches are distressingly similar to those of the general population; are those stats remarkably dissimilar for gays?
We who are straights assume that the long-time gay couples in our circles of acquaintance are committed to monogamy. In the Fall of 1996 when I first began to wonder how strongly Christian gays valued monogamy, I gave some gays opportunity to correct my impression about this. They did not. This may have been because I chose the wrong way to talk with them (I've talked with many people on this). But it nonetheless added to my impression.
In the years since then, I have only met a couple Christian gays in my Anabaptist circles who state an unabashed commitment to monogamy (meaning sexual exclusivity, not just lifelong partnership or social monogamy). That might say more about me than about the Anabaptist gays; there may be many who make that their personal commitment. Perhaps this is a more telling observation: I have never heard an Anabaptist gay leader or community lift up monogamy as their standard, as more than mere personal preference. Do we know of any who state that sexual exclusivity is a moral obligation in same-sex marriages, who would say that a sexually "open" marriage is contrary to the integrity of a same-sex marriage? I know of none.
I know of many examples on Christian gay leaders saying just the opposite -- making comments trying to keep space for non-monogamy. For instance, Presbyterian minister Chris Glaser (well-respected leader in the Christian gay community; a devotional book of 365 readings from his writings has been published) says that fidelity does not mean being sexually exclusive, that fidelity really means only keeping your promises.
Another instance occurred on a denominational e-mail discussion group (MennoLink) in October 1998. A participant assumed that all could agree that "sexual intercourse is meant for two people in the context of a committed, covenanted, monogamous relationship." A gay who is active in our denomination responded:
"I am unwilling to define this as God's universal purpose for sexual intercourse. Even the Bible tells of people (e.g., Elkanah, Samuel's father) who had more than one partner with integrity. While monogamous, committed, covenant relationships may reflect the dominant trajectory of biblical values, there is enough complexity there to prevent me from automatically judging negatively those who do not fit the pattern."
He went on to distance himself from promiscuity, but he had also distanced himself from monogamy.
Some point out that when the church gathers around a gay or lesbian couple to honor and support their commitment to each other, the church can then encourage that relationship toward wholeness and faithfulness. But not if the couple themselves do not have monogamy as their goal or ideal. And it appears that the moral expectations of gay couples, even those who are Christians in long-term relationships, seldom include monogamy. Such a lack of sexual exclusivity is a glaring indication of the spirit of this age in same-sex partnerships.
The heterosexual Christian community does not have a laudable track record on monogamy either. But, whatever its percentage of lifelong monogamous partnerships (the studies using nationally representative samples say that 75-80% of married heterosexual men in the U.S. never engage in extramarital sex), it is way above that of the gay community. Further, all Christian heterosexual communities would say that monogamy is their standard, and seek to call and encourage one another toward this standard.
[Note: I am not intending to communicate that if monogamy is present in a same-sex partnership, that then it is wholesome and holy. The way we determine the rightness or wrongness of homosexual sex is by gathering around the Bible and reading and applying it with the Spirit's help. I am using the absence of monogamy (and, even more, the absence of a standard of monogamy) as a way of getting a reading of the general "spirit" of the gay Christian community.]
Support of bisexuality
Another mark of the dark spirit of this age within the Christian gay and lesbian community is their affirmation and support of bisexuality.
The lesbian and gay concerns group (BMC) associated with my denomination says they provide "support and advocacy for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals." When the gay Christian community works to support bisexuals, they are not being led by concerns of justice -- one cannot say that bisexuals are losing out on a basic human experience if they are denied same-sex intimacies. This is another indication of a primary concern falling squarely within our culture's fixation on sex and material pleasure. Further, almost by definition bisexuals are not sexually exclusive. That's not the Spirit of God.
The Fall 1995 issue of the BMC newsletter, Dialogue, was devoted to bisexuality and included an article by a lesbian/bisexual entitled "Dancing with Souls." The Summer 1996 issue included this letter to the editor:
In the article "Dancing with Souls," one gets the impression that moving from one intimate relationship to another (whether heterosexual or lesbian) is accepted without question. The concept of developing a life-long commitment with one partner (gay or straight) seems strangely absent. Regretfully this only feeds into the impression that many of our church people have of the gay community as supporting promiscuity.
In this way, and in many other ways, the Christian gay community does not clearly repudiate our world's message that the fulfillment of physical desire is essential to meaningful life. They place the right of sexual expression very high; it is often a value equal to or above Scripture and Christian tradition.
Huge impact of this perception
These two marks of the spirit of this age in the gay Christian community have had a huge impact on me:
- If today's same-sex partnerships so seldom involve monogamy, it becomes easier to believe that Paul would include all gay relationships -- even today's same-sex partnerships -- in his mention of homosexual sex in Romans 1. And so I become increasingly certain that the Bible's condemnation of homosexual sex applies to all such relationships. If a high percentage of gay men who try to have a committed relationship do not maintain monogamy, am I really wise if I do not counsel toward celibacy any young friend with same-gender attraction? Only if sexual satisfaction is a highest-order value.
- If sexual exclusivity is not valued and honored by the gay Christian community, then they are clearly distancing themselves from accepted Christian values. And I become increasingly certain that this community is also precluding themselves from full participation in our denomination.
But what if my perception changes? Or what if a significant portion of the gay Christian community changes? What would happen if I would learn that the community of lesbians and gays who long for membership in my denomination are now committed to sexual exclusivity and do not support bisexuality?
This change would affect me greatly. I would still be personally convinced that homosexual sex is wrong because of my understanding of the Bible. But my degree of certainty would be less, and I would be much less vocal in my denomination.